Tag Archives: Jewish

In Honor of Valentine’s Day

These are J-Date e-mails that I received when I was on the site, looking for a man. To amuse myself, I commented on the e-mails, but I never sent them. I never found a man either but when you read the few gems below, it won’t be hard to see why. Clearly I thought that I’d want to use these one day. Always thinking I am.

In honor of Chanukah, I give you, Too Jew For You, excerpts from real J-date emails. I do hope they’ll elicit some laughs, smiles, and some, “Holy shit nuggets, that can’t be real.”

10/28 2:38 pm
MESSAGE:
A healing penis with no baggage. Totally self confident except for a few social phobias. Driven by Wellbutrin and grounded by Effexor. A jew with his own toolbox who can do minor household repairs. According to Tom Leykis, you have the perfect profile for me. If you have a Costco membership card…I’m marchin’ to the altar. Won’t you give me a chance and help get me off this site?

MY COMMENT
I don’t know where to begin with this one. Penis? This guy actually wrote a “healing penis with no baggage”. That took balls. However, this vagina won’t be responding. Some people shouldn’t attempt humor because they’re risking sounding like an escapee from Bellevue. Get a grip dude.

10/27 10:32 pm
MESSAGE:
Hi – I am the one that came up with the 100 word minimum on J-date. If you’ll have dinner with me, I’ll reduce the minimum to 50 words. If it REALLY goes well, I’ll dispense with the minimum altogether! I LIKE it when you’re serious – did you surprise yourself? Joseph

MY COMMENT:
This is in response to my bitching about the 100-word minimum that J-date asks you to meet when answering their questions. A lot of guys think they’re being cute and funny when they address this issue. Most of the time they’re neither cute nor funny. There’s a part of my profile where I answer one of the questions rather seriously and then call attention to how serious I was being. This fellow thought he’d get inside my head. Not a good idea. It’s dangerous in there.

10/27 12:18 am
MESSAGE:
Hi Great Smile and teeth. I’m a newyorker, or, x its been along time. Im in west hollywood and would enjoy hearung rom you..i just rejoined/good /or bad? Ill try. Scott 323 653 7519

MY COMMENT:
There’s something creepy about pointing out someone’s teeth. Even though mine are exceptional. My parents paid dearly for them and I paid dearly, socially. I had braces for 5 long years and my social life suffered. Can you say Chelsea Clinton? His spelling is horrific. I would think that he wouldn’t want to look like a jackass so he’d do a spell check. Most computers nowadays have spell check. Do the work. Don’t be a lazy, f’er. It’s attractive.

10/26 12:47 am
MESSAGE:
This is fun. Sit down in a chair. Take the index finger of the hand you write with and point it forward. Now lift your leg so your foot is off of the floor. (If you are right handed use right leg and vice versa). Move your foot clockwise. At the same time, write the number 6 with your index finger. Let me know what happens. Ken (My picture should be online tomorrow)

MY COMMENT
This was definitely one of the more unusual. I’ll tell you what happened, Ken. I got dizzy and almost fell off the chair. What’s with the games? The fucked up thing is that I actually did it. Okay, that’s my issue but c’mon. I got a little scared as soon as he said index finger. I thought, index finger? Where is this perv going? What actually happens is that your foot and your finger start moving in sync. See ya Ken. And good luck.

10/24 6:23 pm
MESSAGE:
Great hair….. David

MY COMMENT
Not that this isn’t a lovely compliment but what? How do I respond? “Thanks, my mom has great hair too. It must be in the genes. Truth be told, she’s really a retard when it comes to hair products or knowing how to use a blow dryer. My dad and brother, however, are bald. They don’t use products. Recently my hair has been thinning around the crown area. It’s a horrible thing for a woman. I’ve tried the shampoos and two different ‘programs’ and I got bupkis. I had really, really short hair about 5 years ago but my ex-husband said that he felt like he was fucking a little boy. He asked me to wear lipstick whenever possible. I eventually grew my hair out and divorced his sorry ass.” What, too much?

10/22 12:42 pm
MESSAGE:
Love’s labor shall not be lost (As long as you respond!) [Play on Shakespeare]

MY COMMENT
Okay, this brings me to the ‘pre-made’ teases that you can choose from. I think if you use a prefab line, you’re saying, “I’m a lazy SOB, and this is the best that I can do.”
These are a few examples:
We seem to have so much in common, let me know if you agree.
I’m looking for a serious relationship, are you?
I’d like to start-up a conversation, can I write you sometime?
We’ve already “clicked”, so why stop now?
All your imperfections are perfect for me.
I’m intrigued, feel free to email me.
How much harder would it have been to write the same sentiment in your own words? A little effort goes a long way. You are looking for your future ex-wife aren’t you?

11/20 2:26 pm
MESSAGE:
Now I don’t date actresses, being a manager, but I can’t resist telling you that rather than leaving my hat on, I date women free of STD’s and don’t want any part of condoms. Leave your diaphram in.

MY COMMENT
Seeing STD in print or hearing it out loud gives me the coodies. And do you think that saying you’re a manager is going to turn me on? And what makes you think I use a diaphragm?

Passover with Cher

I wrote this in honor of Passover AND Cher.

I invited Cher, Baruch Hashem, to my mom and dad’s house last year for Pesach. I didn’t know if she already had Seder plans or if she’d be too tuckered out from her, “This is my last farewell tour,” farewell tour, but I thought I’d tweet her anyway.

She accepted my invitation without hesitation. Then she wanted to know what color the Yarmulkes were, so she could color coordinate with her wig. I told her women didn’t usually wear Yarmulke’s in reformed Judaism. I said that my family we were so reformed they were practically Catholic.

She didn’t care and when she showed up, she was wearing a Bob Mackie Yarmulke original. Sequins, tassels, faux fur trim. It was a beanie masterpiece. My parents treated her like one of the family. More so than they did with any of my boyfriends.

She was a great conversationalist. She really impressed them when she told them about a new report that came out claiming that there was flame retardant in mother’s breast milk.

I showed her my Cher doll that I got in 1975. Unfortunately there was an accident with a pair of child proof scissors and now she looked like a slutty Dorothy Hammill, but she was touched, and I saw a tear roll down her wrinkle-free face.

Cher excused herself to make a costume change, and when she returned, she joined us at the dinner table. We started reading from the Haggadah, or prayer book. A few pages in, I looked over at Cher and thought she looked a bit uneasy. That’s when I realized that the multitude of glasses of wine we’re told to drink, can be very unsettling to a non alcoholic (Of which there are none in my family).

I told her she didn’t have to drink but being the mensch that she is, she threw that wine back like one of the drunken sailors in her, “If I Can Turn Back Time” video.

My dad gave our half-breed guest the honor of reading the four questions which are traditionally read by the youngest at the table. Cher stood up and presented us with a very unique gift.

She changed the lyrics to her song, Dark Lady, just for the occasion.

PHARAOH’S SLAVES TRIED TO FLEE,
AND I CAN RELATE BECAUSE I LEFT SONNY.
MOSES SAID, ‘HEY, LISTEN BRO’,
DON’T YOU THINK IT’S TIME YOU LET ME PEOPLE GO?

VERSE
THEY WANDERED AROUND FOR 40 YEARS,
WHY SHOULD THEY KVETCH, IT’S SHORTER THAN MY CAREER.
THEY ARRIVED IN THE PROMISED LAND,
MORE BURNT OUT THAN THE ALLMAN BROTHER’S BAND.

CHORUS
Why is this night so different than the ones that came before?
Why do you dip herbs twice and only eat maror?
Why do you sit reclined and eat this funky looking bread?
If it were up to me I’d order in instead.

VERSE
THE FOUR QUESTIONS THEY HAVE TO ASK,
BITTER HERBS? I WAS OVERLOOKED FOR MASK.
NO TIME TO LET BREAD RISE THEY HAD TO SHAKE A LEG,
IF THEY BELIEVED IN CHRIST THEY’D BE EATIN’ CHOCOLATE EGGS.

TEN PLAGUES DIDN’T GO THAT FAR,
BOILS AND FROGS, HE SHOULD’VE CURSED THEM WITH EPSTEIN BARR.
IN THE END THEY ALL RECLINE,
WHAT’S THE BIG DEAL IT’S HOW I LAND JOBS ALL THE TIME.

CHORUS
Why is this night so different than the ones that came before?
Why do you dip herbs twice and only eat maror?
Why do you sit reclined and eat this funky looking bread?
If it were up to me I’d order in instead?

Cher joined my dad in lighting Yahrzeit candles, in memory of loved ones that had died. My Dad lit one for Nanny and Cher lit one for Sonny and her youth. He poured a glass of wine and opened the front door for the prophet Elijah. Cher started to speak, but my dad gently pressed his two fingers to her lip, “No, Dark lady, not your Elijah.”

We play a game after the Seder meal. It’s sort of a Jewish hide and seek, using a piece of Matzot, called the Afikoman. Whoever finds it, gets a cash prize. Cher wanted in. She loves games. And cash. She was also drunk off her tattooed ass. So she and my nephews scampered off to look for the big cracker.

After a few minutes, we heard a commotion coming from the basement. “No. Let it go. It’s mine. I found it.”

We ran down to the basement, and found Cher, acting all meshungina. She was pushing my nephew up against the wall, trying to pry the matzot out of his snausage-like fingers. She was schvitzing, her mascara was running, and her wig was cockeyed.

She ran up to my dad, out of breath, and planted herself firmly in front of him. She dropped a handful of matzot crumbs into his hand and waited. My Dad was disappointed. The people of the town were right. She is a gypsy, tramp and thief. But rules are rules. He took out a $20 bill and slapped it down in her hand, and said, “Shalom, Cher, Shalom.”