Tag Archives: masturbation

I’m Syndicated on Blogher

I’m happy to announce that The Girlfriend Mom has been syndicated on Blogher.com. The geniuses in the Love and Sex department couldn’t resist my funny sex stuff.

When my boyfriend schooled me one sunny afternoon on his masturbatory modus operandi, I realized that I didn’t know as much as I thought I did on the subject. I believed, like I assume a lot of other women do, that when he masturbated to a short online video, that it was because he didn’t want to have sex with me. I thought that he was choosing his hand over mine. And I’ve got great hands, strong yet sensitive. But I digress.

Image: Yuriy Rudyy via Shutterstock

I believed that the two sexual performances were mutually exclusive. Not necessarily. He explained it to me this way. When he gets the urge to masturbate, it’s like an itch in need of scratching. It’s emotionless and mechanical, and has nothing to do with our sex life. I equate it with having a hang nail. You know it’s there. It’s annoying, and you have to clip it. Once you do, there’s an awesome sense of relief, and you can get back to returning emails.

Some men feel that the orgasm they achieve through masturbation is less complex and more locally intense than climaxes achieved through sexual intercourse. Come on ladies, don’t we feel the same way? Isn’t it nice to be in full control of our pleasure? Controlling the pressure and speed of movement applies to both genders.

There are a variety of reasons why men masturbate and why women get all bent out of shape. Sometimes it’s a lack of education, understanding, insecurity, or bad communication skills. Yes, there could be a potential problem in the relationship, but to understand the male sex, women must understand the relationship between penis and brain.

A male child discovers that his penis feels good before he can talk! Manual stimulation is the first form of sexual behavior learned. The hard cold truth is that the vast majority of men masturbate – even if they’re in long-term and happy sexual relationships. It’s that simple.

The more women understand, the more empowered and secure they will become. I suggest that women ask their men why they masturbate. If that’s too daunting, and a woman feels that there’s more to their man’s masturbation than just a hang nail, then women might want to look for signs. Before a woman starts feeling rejected or threatened by their man’s hand, consider the following.

Men masturbate when they’re not getting enough sex from their partner.
 False.
We have sex like 40 times a day (not really, but it’s a substantial amount) and my boyfriend still masturbates.

Men always fantasize about women they know when they masturbate. False.
I’ve seen the anonymous ten second videos that my boyfriend sometimes uses. A visual, yes. Fantasy? Not so much.

Ask yourself the following:

Does masturbating get in the way of the relationship?

Does he/she choose masturbating over having sex with you?

My boyfriend can masturbate at 8am and then have sex with me at 9am. And he’s no spring chicken. In his world, and now mine, one has nothing to do with the other.

Some men have issues with women using sex toys when they masturbate. And just like some women feel that they’re being replaced when their man masturbates, some men feel that they’re being replaced by a toy. Be reasonable boys and girls. If I want to pleasure myself with a foreign object, do not take that to mean that I would rather use a glass dildo than have some fleshy male meat.

My boyfriend wants me to use whatever I can to achieve an orgasm. The man lives for my orgasms. Sometimes I wish he lived for loading the dishwasher, but again I digress. One night when I was away, he asked me if there was something in my room that I could pleasure myself with. I’m not into fruits or vegetables in my nether orifices, thus disappointment ensued on the other end of the phone.

Did you know that some men in their 70s and 80s still masturbate several times a week? Honestly, I didn’t need that visual. In general terms, men masturbate most in their teens and gradually do it less and less as their life progresses – depending partly on whether or not they have a partner at the time.

Couples can achieve considerable satisfaction by watching each other masturbate. Maybe this would make both parties less insecure. It turns me on watching my boyfriend masturbate. I enjoy watching his face contort and the sounds that he makes are priceless.

Again, this is where communication is golden. Couples need to discuss their insecurities and try to understand where the other person is coming from. Knowledge is power people! There are so many acts and behaviors that couples can get hung up on; an innocent masturbation session, with or without toys, should not be one of them. Life is too short. I say, tonight jerk off.

ARE YOU JEALOUS OF YOUR PARTNER’S MASTURBATION?

PhotoCredit:avoiceformen.com

PhotoCredit:avoiceformen.com

When my boyfriend schooled me one sunny afternoon on his masturbatory modus operandi, I realized that I didn’t know as much as I thought I did on the subject. I believed, like a lot of women do, that when he masturbated to a short online video, that it was because he didn’t want to have sex with me. I thought that he was choosing his hand over mine. And I’ve got great hands, strong yet sensitive. But I digress.

I believed that the two sexual performances were mutually exclusive. Not necessarily. He explained it to me this way. When he gets the urge to masturbate, it’s like an itch in need of scratching. It’s emotionless and mechanical, and has nothing to do with our sex life. I equate it with having a hang nail. You know it’s there. It’s annoying, and you have to clip it. Once you do, there’s an awesome sense of relief, and you can get back to returning emails.

Some men feel that the orgasm they achieve through masturbation is less complex and more locally intense than climaxes achieved through sexual intercourse. Come on ladies, don’t we feel the same? Isn’t it nice to be in full control of our pleasure? Controlling the pressure and speed of movement applies to both genders.

There are a variety of reasons why men masturbate and why women get bent out of shape. Sometimes it’s a lack of education, understanding, insecurity, or bad communication skills. Yes, there could be a potential problem in the relationship, but to understand the male sex, women must understand the relationship between penis and brain.

A male child discovers that his penis feels good before he can talk! Manual stimulation is the first form of sexual behavior learned. The hard cold truth is that the vast majority of men masturbate – even if they’re in long-term and happy sexual relationships. It’s truly that simple.

The more women understand, the more empowered and secure they will become. I suggest that women ask their men why they masturbate. If that’s too daunting, and a woman feels that there’s more to their man’s masturbation than just a hang nail, then women might want to look for signs.   Before a woman starts feeling rejected or threatened by their man’s hand, consider the following.

Men masturbate when they’re not getting enough sex from their partner.
False.
We have sex like 40 times a day (not really but it’s a lot) and my boyfriend still masturbates.

Men always fantasize about women they know when they masturbate. False
I’ve seen the anonymous ten second videos that my boyfriend sometimes uses. A visual, yes. Fantasy? Not so much.

Then ask yourself the following:

Does masturbating get in the way of the relationship?

Does he often choose masturbating over having sex with you?

My boyfriend can masturbate at 8am and then have sex with me at 9am. And he’s no spring chicken. In his world, and now mine, one has nothing to do with the other.

Some men have issues with women using sex toys when they masturbate. And just like some women feel that they’re being replaced when their man masturbates, some men feel that they’re being replaced by a toy. Be reasonable boys and girls. If I want to pleasure myself with a foreign object, don’t take that to mean that I’d rather use a glass dildo than have some fleshy male meat.

My boyfriend wants me to use whatever I can to achieve an orgasm. The man lives for my orgasms. Sometimes I wish he lived for loading the dishwasher, but again I digress. One night when I was away, he asked me if there was something in my room that I could pleasure myself with. I was horny but I’m not into fruits or hotel pens in my nether orifices. Disappointment ensued on the other end of the phone.

Did you know that some men in their 70s and 80s are still masturbating several times a week? Honestly, I didn’t need that visual. In general terms, men masturbate most in their teens and gradually do it less and less as their life progresses – depending partly on whether or not they have a partner at the time.

Couples can achieve considerable satisfaction by watching each other masturbate. Maybe this would make both parties less insecure. It turns me on watching my boyfriend masturbate. I love watching his face contort and the sounds he makes are priceless.

Again, this is where communication is golden. Couples need to discuss their insecurities and try to understand where the other person is coming from. Knowledge is power people! There are so many acts and behaviors that couples can get hung up on; an innocent masturbation session, with or without toys, shouldn’t be one of them. Life is too short. Let’s all jerk off tonight!

Why Did You Tell Dad That I Got My Period?

PhotoCredit:Feminspire.com

PhotoCredit:Feminspire.com

My Lover and I were talking the other day about his twelve year old son having his first girlfriend. I’m not sure that I can remember what girlfriend and boyfriend meant in seventh grade. I do know that I went to my first co-ed party, played spin the bottle, and prayed that it would get too late in the evening to play seven minutes in the closet. I was quite shy in the romance department back then.

In any case, I asked my Lover if he was going to have a father-son talk, including favorites like, “It’s perfectly normal to masturbate, but class it up a bit and don’t use a friggin’ sock.” My Lover said that it wasn’t necessary. Huh? Not being a full time parent, I was confused.

My parents had talks with me. Or were those my TV parents? Parents are supposed to talk to their kids about sex and, more often that not, how to avoid it, right? Don’t they say things like, “I’m here for you, if you ever want or need to talk.” Mine did.

Apparently, my Lover (I want to see how long it takes before you get nauseated by the word) didn’t think so. He’s the youngest of five, from a working class family in Portugal. There weren’t a lot of sit-downs with his parents, unlike my hippy dippy- consciousness raising- pot smoking- macrame plant holder making- denim cap wearing- Three Dog Night listening- free to be you and me- parents. He never talked about sex, bodily functions or anything too personal, with his parents, unlike my parents. I wish I’d been from Portugal.

Most of the time I didn’t want to tell my parents anything, but in some perverse and distorted way, I felt compelled to talk because they said that I could, and I didn’t want to hurt their feelings. I wanted it to be like the families on TV. I wanted to be on the receiving end of that glorious undivided parental attention. I soon learned that it was best to get that attention from an anonymous audience, while singing and dancing on stage.

Flashback to 1980.

I was in eighth grade and babysitting at a neighbor’s house. I hated babysitting for that family. There was never anything good to eat, the kids were dorks (and that’s coming from a dork) and the husband creeped the crap out of me. I remember him driving me home one night, and when he pulled into my driveway, he said, “Okay, pussy, thank you for your help.” Ew on every f’in level. I convinced myself that he didn’t mean it in a vaginal way, and that it was a throw back to his generation when pussy actually meant pussycat.

Even at 13, it sounded gross and inappropriate. If it happened today, and I’m not sure why I’d be babysitting and getting rides home, since I have a car, I’d report him to the authorities and see if his name was on any public sex offender’s lists.

I got my menses (gotta love the word) for the first time that night. My mother was beside herself. She didn’t know what to do first. Um, how about finding me something so I don’t soil my Carter’s. It would be a few more years until I discovered thongs!

And what she came up with- wait for it – wait for it – was a goddam belt, which was like suspenders for a sanitary napkin. What the f? What is this 1870? It’s 19 fargin 80! My mom told me that I was too young for tampons, and wanted to ask the doctor first just to make sure that it was okay to shove something up inside of me. That was thoughtful of her.

I begged and pleaded with my mom not to tell my dad. She promised and I went into my bedroom. Not ten minutes later, there was a knock on my door. It was my dad. He sat down on the edge of my bed, and I swear, I think he had tears in his eyes.

“Congratulations. I’m so proud of you. You’re a young woman.” Okay, first of all, thanks mom, I hate you, and I’m never ever going to tell you anything ever again, ever, as long as I live!

And secondly, really, dad, congratulations? For what? I had no control over this. It wasn’t like I studied hard for a test and got an A! I didn’t see this happening as an accomplishment or something to tick off of my To Do list. And I wished that he didn’t say woman, because at that age, certain words, like woman, sounded icky to me and made me uncomfortable. Don’t try to figure that one out. Suffice to say, the whole ordeal was embarrassing.

A few years later, even after all of the menses drama, I trotted my ass back to the mommy well, after losing my virginity, because, “You can tell me anything,” and I’m an idiot and I wanted to share. Again.

My mom wigged out. It wasn’t in a, ‘I’m so disappointed in you. How could you have done such a thing? I’m not taking care of it, if you get pregnant’ sort of way, but rather in a, ‘I’m not ready for this’ sort of way.

CUT TO: The Present

This is a cautionary tale, kids. Think twice before you believe your parent’s supposed openness. My belief is that parents really don’t want you to tell them shit because it only re-enforces how ill equipped, ill-prepared, and utterly clueless they are. There’s no need to shove their faces in it. Go tell your grandparents instead.

Are You Jealous of Your Partner’s Masturbation?

When my boyfriend schooled me one sunny afternoon on his masturbatory modus operandi, I realized that I didn’t know as much as I thought I did on the subject. I believed, like a lot of women do, that when he masturbated to a short online video, that it was because he didn’t want to have sex with me. I thought that he was choosing his hand over mine. And I’ve got great hands, strong yet sensitive. But I digress. (Read More At EVOLVED WORLD)