Tag Archives: sex

A Colonoscopy Pick Me Up



There’s nothing quite as humbling as a consultation with a gastroenterologist in preparation of your first colonoscopy. Get the hell on the table and let’s have a looksy.
The doctor, who looked like she might still be playing with American Girl dolls, walked into the examination room. “You look so familiar?” ReallyI thought. Wait till you see my other end.
Anyhoo, she sat down at a small desk and removed a piece of paper from her folder. It was a page long list of questions. “Do you have depression, anxiety, trouble sleeping?” I looked at her. “I’m human and I’m breathing.”
She smiled. “Good point.”
I finished answering her questions, and she went on to tell me about the procedure, and, in great detail, what she was going to do to me.
I don’t know why people get so bent out of shape over a colonoscopy. I’ve given myself an enema or two— there was a time in the early 90’s when it was au courant. And, well, let’s just say that I’m not butt shy. What’s the big whoop.
I think it’s fascinating that we can see the lining of the large intestine that’s projected onto a screen, like a movie. I’m not sure, however, that if I went to medical school, gastroenterologist would be the speciality that I’d raise my hand for. What makes a person say, “Me! Me! I want to do that. Sign me up.”
“So we’ll inject you with a…” I interrupted.
“Does anyone ever opt for no anesthesia?”
She shook her head. “Some. But very rarely.”
“What kind of people want to go it alone?”
“All kinds. Some women who’ve had natural childbirth, some people have medical conditions. Some just don’t like to be sedated. I wouldn’t recommend it.”
“Is it painful, painful, or just uncomfortable painful?” I like to test my limits, and it would be interesting to know what my threshold was. Like climbing Kilimanjaro.
“It’s painful, painful. And once we start, we can’t stop. It’s like having a big gas bubble inserted inside, and you feel very full. It makes taking deep breaths, or bearing down because of the pain very challenging.”
She had me at gas bubble. I’ve been doubled over in that hellish pain at the most inopportune moments (sex) and it is not a day at the races. Anesthesia it is.
Then I suddenly realized that I didn’t know much about this doctor. “How long have you been doing this?”
“Over ten years for this particular procedure.”
“So you’ve probably done hundreds, right?”
“Yes, too many.” Oh, my god, she sounded bored. I didn’t want a bored doctor probing my insides.
“Okay, but you’re going to be super excited on the 12th, right? It’s going to be fun. You’ve never had me on the table. It’s going to be a party, right? Bring your A game.”
“Of course. You’ve got nothing to worry about.”
“Do I get a copy of the video? I have one of my Lasik eye surgery and it was a real crowd pleaser. I’d be fun to be able to show a double feature. The holidays are coming up.”
“No, but I might be able to hook you up with a few photos.”
She smiled but she was ready for this consult to be over. “You can pick up your prep instructions at the front desk. The procedure should only take about an hour, or less. And you’ll want to have someone pick you up afterwards.” And with that she was gone.
Uh, oh. I started to gather up my belongings. Who was going to pick me up on a Thursday morning? The handful of people that I knew will be at work. The other handful live in California, and my parents will have already flown the coop for their winter resting place in Florida. Who’s left?
On my walk home, I couldn’t stop thinking about how I didn’t have a single person that I could call and ask for this favor. Do I really need someone to pick me up? How out of it am I going to be? Maybe it’ll be like a hangover. Maybe I should go drug-free.
As I made my way across town, I started laughing to myself. Wouldn’t it be funny if I asked my ex-boyfriend’s daughter to pick me up? We’re close. And then I stopped laughing. That would be so inappropriate, and unreasonable, especially since she didn’t even live in the city.
I laughed again. Ooh, what if I asked my ex to pick me up? It’s the least that he could do. I picked him up after his ass probe. I was right there when he opened his eyes after the anesthesia wore off. Or was that my dad?
No, seriously because I think I also picked up my dad once after his probe and drove him home. Where the hell was my mom?
The pity party is over. I’ll figure it out. Please don’t respond to this post with a ride offer. I appreciate the thought, but it would be weird. I don’t even know you.
Shit, was this why people had kids?
I think I’ll be able to hobble outside of the doctor’s office and hail a cab. Ooh, wait, I wonder what my doorman is doing on the 12th.


How to Handle Sibling Rivalry in Your Home

SiblingRivalryAh, that age old problem, sibling rivalry. Damn you Cain and Abel!

The causes of sibling rivalry varies from family to family, and child to child. Factors such as jealousy, competition for time, attention, love and approval, personality differences or dysfunctional family dynamics, can all play a part. In addition, a parent’s inaction, age differences, the children’s genver, and hierarchy in the family, also factor in.

Putting it simply, some siblings can’t and don’t get along. We don’t choose our parents, (Cher and I would’ve made a great mother-daughter team) nor do we choose our siblings. A child’s needs, anxieties, and unique identities can cause him or her to push their siblings’ buttons. A child’s temperament, mood, and disposition can irritate his or her sibling to the point where listening to them breath is reason enough to throw a tantrum and throw a Dr. Sholl’s sandal at their head.

What part does the parent play in how well the children relate to one another? Are they role models? How are their conflict resolution skills? Are they respectful? Aggressive? Do they fight fair or do they shout, slam doors, and argue loudly? Guess what? The children are watching and listening.

The fact that siblings spend an inordinate amount of time together growing up, plays another part in rivalrous behavior. Young children need their alone time. Stress can shorten children’s fuses, and inhibit their ability to tolerate frustration, which may lead to more contention with their sibling.

It’s common for siblings to fight, and while it’s no picnic for the parents, in most cases, it’s nature at work. Siblings will often go back and forth between loving and despising one another. And while society, and most parents, would like to believe that their kids’ relationship with one another will eventually develop into a close one, it is not always the case.

Parents, and society as a whole, need to see things as they are, not as how they wish they were. My parent’s still wish my brother and I got along like Donny and Marie, but that was never going to happen.

Approximately one-third of adult siblings who grew up fighting and bickering will describe their childhood as humiliating, hurtful and distant, when referring to their sibling. In some cases, the unique identities, and individual differences between siblings, are too great, and close relationships are impossible. These siblings don’t get along, have little in common, spend limited time together, and are often locked into old patterns.

Therapists, analysts, Psychiatrists and parents, (from Anchorage to Papua New Guinea) struggle with this what to do. While there are no clear cut answers, the following might be helpful.

Let Them Work it Out.

Try not to get involved and see if the siblings can work out the scuffle for themselves. This can be difficult and a parent must also know when a fight has escalated and needs to intervene, especially if one of the siblings is in harm’s way.

Don’t be Swayed by Arguments.

“It’s not fair.” It’s not about being fair, it’s about what’s best for that sibling.

Separate The Kids

If they can’t release their grip on the other one’s hair, separate them. This will give everyone a chance to cool down and then when it’s calm, a discussion can be started.

Don’t Pick Sides

Try not to favor. I’m not sure how a parent can be impartial but it’s probably best to at least make an effort.

No Disrespect

In order for this next suggestion to work, the siblings must respect the parents. If they respect their parents, but not one another, you can try laying down the law, and rules for acceptable behavior. Children need to know that there are consequences to their actions.

One-on-One Time

Because siblings are often vying for the attention of a parent, it’s important to give each child special alone time.

Don’t Compare

Try not to compare sibling to each other. Saying things like, “Why can’t you be more like your sister?” is not productive and it may lead to jealousy and further conflict.

Family Meetings

Family meetings weren’t big when I was growing up, but it can be an opportunity to show children how to express themselves without yelling, name-calling, or violence. Grievances can be aired in a safe, and controlled environment.

Seek Professional Help

If sibling rivalry gets to the point where it disrupts the daily functioning of the family, or affects any of the children emotionally or psychologically, perhaps you want to seek professional help.

According to an article in Psychology Today, “We have no rituals that make, break, or celebrate the sibling bond. And family experts have underemphasized the sibling relationship, instead concentrating on parents and children and husbands and wives. Small wonder that sibling rivalry is accepted as the normal state of affairs.

Does Sex Sell Pilates Sessions?

Does sex sell Pilates


I recently got hired as a Pilates instructor at a tony health club. The management asked me if I could offer free demos to introduce their members to Pilates, and to meet me.

Clearly this would be for their members who have been living under a rock for the last ten years. I’m saying ten just to be nice, because those in the know, knew about Pilates in the early 90’s.

Who doesn’t know what Pilates is? Madonna, Gwyneth and Tiger all do Pilates for crying out loud.

I’ve given so many friggin’ demos since I became an instructor. Sometimes it feels like a real soul killer to have to continuously sell myself.

That being said, I decided to suck it up, adjust my attitude and sell, sell, sell. It’s been a tough work year. I lost several clients back in March, and I haven’t picked up new ones. I did leave the country to teach Pilates in Dubai for two months last summer, so that couldn’t have been good for building a client base and continuity.

I believe that I deliver quality Pilates instruction, with the added bonus of a kick ass personality, but the evidence doesn’t lie and I wondered if I might be doing something wrong.

Maybe it’s my laissez-faire attitude towards beautifying myself for my clients. As unimaginable as it may be, perhaps my winning personality isn’t enough. I know, I can’t believe it either. Could my client drought be because I don’t wear make-up, or blow dry my hair before I hit the Pilates studio?

I never felt that I should have to succumb to shallow and superficial practices. I choose to sit comfortably crossed legged on my high horse, espousing ditties such as, “Like me for who I am, and how I can help your Quasimodo posture. You’re not here because of my long and luxurious hair.” Aren’t I adorable and misguided.

It was the same when I lived in L.A. and auditioning. I believed that my talent alone would get me hired, not my fuckability. I think we can all agree that my strategy was both flawed and incredibly naive.

What’s wrong with putting on mascara and showing a hint of tit (men do Pilates too ya know) if it’s going to get me clients? As an experiment, I wanted to see what would happen if I made an effort. Would I attract more clients?

I had my first Pilates demo last night. I put on make-up, as if I were going to a wedding, and I changed my clothes a half dozen times, finally deciding on a head to toe Lululemon ensemble. My Astro pants gave me a camel toe, and a wedgey. Perfect. I went with a tight purple Define jacket, wearing only my bra underneath. I smoothed out my hair, and flat ironed my ponytail. However, I did not shower. It was my little secret. Between me and… me?

“Chaka, Chaka, Chaka, Chaka Khan Chaka Kan, Chaka Kan , Chaka Kan Chaka Khan, let rock you”  — Sorry, it just came on my itunes.

After two long hours, several women and men asked to see exercises on the Reformer. I can’t be certain what brought them over but, unlike the proud, naive, and stubborn girl, who wouldn’t sleep around in Hollywood, I now have no problem showing skin and combing my hair.

Even if the superficial brings me potential clients, keeping them is where the true talent lies. That, or I can offer to sleep with them. You don’t have to tell me twice.

Practice Pilates for Great Sex

woman-laying-downPractice Pilates for great sex. It works. Let me share the many ways that Pilates can improve your sex life.

I would hope that by now, all human inhabitants of Mother Earth know the benefits of physical fitness on leading a healthy life, resulting in more energy, confidence and less muffin top. The prouder you are of your physique, the more likely you’ll want to show it off, especially between the sheets. I feel so confident in bed, I should be getting paid. Wait. Never mind.

Here’s a break down using several Pilates principles by way of example.

If the pelvic floor muscles, which are a part of the core, (see article on core) are strong, then you’ll be able to increase tension, master movements and orgasm upon your command. One of the many beautiful side effects is the ability to contract and release at will. Pilates sure is empowering!

If you’re not sure where or what the pelvic floor muscles are, then as you continue to read this, pretend you’re going to pee your pants and then stop the flow of your pretend pee. Those are them.

Pilates exercises involve coordinating the breath with each movement. Emphasis is made on expansive inhalations and exhalations, which brings oxygenated blood to the muscles faster. When we can do this correctly, it leads to an increased blood flow to the sex organs. Who wants to suck wind when you’re having sex. Wouldn’t you rather be sucking something else. Whoa, where did that come from?

Controlled panting is what you want, and Pilates is a perfect way to practice that control. Since the system calls for muscle control, so as to perform each exercise accurately and precisely, you become more aware of how your body moves and the function each muscle has within that movement.

Pilates is a mind body system, so there’s a mental component. In teaching, I use imagery to achieve correct form. This requires a great deal of focus and concentration from my clients. Pilates requires impeccable form without extraneous movement, just like sex. It’s maximum sexual efficiency.

I’m not saying that by doing Pilates, it will turn you into a contortionist, but I can guarantee an increase in flexibility. The hip joints are especially worked in many of the exercises. Being able to get your legs over your head, or splay them out like a wishbone, can be very erotic. N’est pas?!

Stability plays a vital role in Pilates, where one’s core and balance is continuously being challenged. Don’t you think it would enhance playtime, if you were able to stabilize yourself in certain sexual positions?

Mr. Pilates designed a piece of equipment called the Cadillac, which includes an attachment called the Trapeze. It allows for super fun mobilization (movement). I have a feeling that Mr. Pilates knew exactly what he was doing when he brought out the Trapeze.

I believe, or I’d like to believe, that he wanted us to practice on the Trapeze, so that we might take those moves into our bedrooms and hang from the rafters, if you’re into extreme sports, or that you may fulfill your childhood dream of joining the circus.

Practicing Pilates has been proven to help with erectile dysfunction. Nuff said.

Get into the Pilates studio, so that you can mount your partner with confidence, zest, and without the fear of pulling a muscle.

I’m Syndicated on Blogher

I’m happy to announce that The Girlfriend Mom has been syndicated on Blogher.com. The geniuses in the Love and Sex department couldn’t resist my funny sex stuff.

When my boyfriend schooled me one sunny afternoon on his masturbatory modus operandi, I realized that I didn’t know as much as I thought I did on the subject. I believed, like I assume a lot of other women do, that when he masturbated to a short online video, that it was because he didn’t want to have sex with me. I thought that he was choosing his hand over mine. And I’ve got great hands, strong yet sensitive. But I digress.

Image: Yuriy Rudyy via Shutterstock

I believed that the two sexual performances were mutually exclusive. Not necessarily. He explained it to me this way. When he gets the urge to masturbate, it’s like an itch in need of scratching. It’s emotionless and mechanical, and has nothing to do with our sex life. I equate it with having a hang nail. You know it’s there. It’s annoying, and you have to clip it. Once you do, there’s an awesome sense of relief, and you can get back to returning emails.

Some men feel that the orgasm they achieve through masturbation is less complex and more locally intense than climaxes achieved through sexual intercourse. Come on ladies, don’t we feel the same way? Isn’t it nice to be in full control of our pleasure? Controlling the pressure and speed of movement applies to both genders.

There are a variety of reasons why men masturbate and why women get all bent out of shape. Sometimes it’s a lack of education, understanding, insecurity, or bad communication skills. Yes, there could be a potential problem in the relationship, but to understand the male sex, women must understand the relationship between penis and brain.

A male child discovers that his penis feels good before he can talk! Manual stimulation is the first form of sexual behavior learned. The hard cold truth is that the vast majority of men masturbate – even if they’re in long-term and happy sexual relationships. It’s that simple.

The more women understand, the more empowered and secure they will become. I suggest that women ask their men why they masturbate. If that’s too daunting, and a woman feels that there’s more to their man’s masturbation than just a hang nail, then women might want to look for signs. Before a woman starts feeling rejected or threatened by their man’s hand, consider the following.

Men masturbate when they’re not getting enough sex from their partner.
We have sex like 40 times a day (not really, but it’s a substantial amount) and my boyfriend still masturbates.

Men always fantasize about women they know when they masturbate. False.
I’ve seen the anonymous ten second videos that my boyfriend sometimes uses. A visual, yes. Fantasy? Not so much.

Ask yourself the following:

Does masturbating get in the way of the relationship?

Does he/she choose masturbating over having sex with you?

My boyfriend can masturbate at 8am and then have sex with me at 9am. And he’s no spring chicken. In his world, and now mine, one has nothing to do with the other.

Some men have issues with women using sex toys when they masturbate. And just like some women feel that they’re being replaced when their man masturbates, some men feel that they’re being replaced by a toy. Be reasonable boys and girls. If I want to pleasure myself with a foreign object, do not take that to mean that I would rather use a glass dildo than have some fleshy male meat.

My boyfriend wants me to use whatever I can to achieve an orgasm. The man lives for my orgasms. Sometimes I wish he lived for loading the dishwasher, but again I digress. One night when I was away, he asked me if there was something in my room that I could pleasure myself with. I’m not into fruits or vegetables in my nether orifices, thus disappointment ensued on the other end of the phone.

Did you know that some men in their 70s and 80s still masturbate several times a week? Honestly, I didn’t need that visual. In general terms, men masturbate most in their teens and gradually do it less and less as their life progresses – depending partly on whether or not they have a partner at the time.

Couples can achieve considerable satisfaction by watching each other masturbate. Maybe this would make both parties less insecure. It turns me on watching my boyfriend masturbate. I enjoy watching his face contort and the sounds that he makes are priceless.

Again, this is where communication is golden. Couples need to discuss their insecurities and try to understand where the other person is coming from. Knowledge is power people! There are so many acts and behaviors that couples can get hung up on; an innocent masturbation session, with or without toys, should not be one of them. Life is too short. I say, tonight jerk off.