Tag Archives: sex

Disconnect to Reconnect

DisconnetReconnect

I was driving my boyfriend and I to a family member’s wedding, when he looked up from his iPad. “Would you ‘do’ her?” Right there, heading South on I-95, he showed me what looked like a menage a trois (I was driving after all, and couldn’t look for long) in a porn movie. He brought up a friggin’ porn on the iPad in the car. Where do I even begin with this?

Firstly, the fact that I actually looked over to see what the hell he was talking about was not safe. Secondly, I answered and told him that I would ‘do’ the chick on the screen and thirdly, we have gone too far with this ability to plug in anywhere.

It used to be the television in the bedroom that was the big taboo, which now looks like child’s play compared to the portability and ease of the iPhones and iPads. According to a 2011 Sleep in America®poll done by the National Sleep Foundation, an alarming six in ten Americans use their personal computer within an hour of going to sleep, and four in ten Americans bring their cell phones or iPads into the bedroom. I was shocked to read that 87% of the people in the same study reported problems falling asleep at night. Really? Say it isn’t so, Joe.

I have been gently telling my boyfriend that the gadgets that he so loves, and their emitting lights, stimulate the brain in a way that messes with the body’s natural rhythms and can affect how well we sleep. I, on the other hand, will wear night shades or cover the front of the DVD player and cable box with an article of clothing to ensure total darkness. Awhile back I wrote about how I thought that television would surely break my  boyfriend and I up.

Disrupted sleep is one thing, but I have to put my foot down when it comes to my sex being disrupted. Call me crazy, but neither Top Chef nor anything on ESPN is going to make me wet. I would think that this fact alone would make men everywhere turn off, shut down and unplug. It doesn’t. Well, at least not all of the time. I know that when my boyfriend closes his iPad or turns off the television, we are more likey to have sex. And then postcoital, I make sure to say, “See what happens when you turn it off?”

Are we so attached to our electronics that we simply cannot go to sleep without checking, just one last time, to see if so and so called, emailed or texted? How important do we think that we are? And who is so and so anyway? I think that for some people it has become an addiction.

I can see, first hand, how allowing technology into the bedroom can, and will, affect one’s intimate relationships. The ability to carry on a conversation, where the people conversing are actually looking into one another’s eyes and not down at a screen, is in jeopardy.

We all know that balance is the key to healthy living. Perhaps setting some boundaries and rules for the bedroom, when it comes to technology, is in order. I’m not one for playing games but what if he’s not getting any until he unplugs, so to speak, so that he can plug me. Did you see what I did there?

–    Watch television in another room, say the living room, and start fooling around there. Once you’re both excited, stumble up to the bedroom. By the time you get between the sheets, and have sex, he will be deliriously satisfied and want to go to sleep.

–    Hide the television remote. When he asks where it is, blame it on the cleaning lady, a child (if you have one) or suck his cock to distract him.

–    The only exception to the television ban watching is watching porn, together, and not in a moving vehicle.

There is a time and a place for everything, and the bedroom is not the place for gadgets, unless it’s of the vibrating kind. The bedroom is for reading, sleeping and fucking. Period.

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Practice Pilates for Greater Sex

SexnPilates_HP

Originally published on the Huffington Post. But you can read it below.

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I’d like to explore the many ways that Pilates can improve your sex life. As per usual, I speak from experience.

I would hope that by now, all human inhabitants of Mother Earth know the benefits of living a healthy life, and that they know that physical fitness leads to more energy, confidence and less muffin top. The prouder you are of your physique, the more likely you’ll want to show it off, especially between the sheets. Personally, due to Pilates, I feel so confident in bed that I feel as if I should get paid. Wait. Never mind.

Through a steady Pilates practice, you may start wanting sex both morning and night, and you will be outstanding at it. This is the goal anyway. I’ll break it down by using several Pilates principles by way of example.

If the pelvic floor muscles, which are a part of the core, are strong, then you’ll be able to increase tension, master movements and orgasm upon your command. Since I’ve become a Pilates instructor, one of the many beautiful side effects is my ability to contract and release at will. Pilates sure is empowering!

If you’re not sure where or what the pelvic floor muscles are, then as you continue to read this, pretend you’re going to pee your pants and then stop the flow of your pretend pee. Those are them.

Pilates exercises involve coordinating the breath with each movement. Emphasis is made on expansive inhalations and exhalations, which brings oxygenated blood to the muscles faster. When we can do this correctly, it leads to an increased blood flow to the sex organs. And let’s face it, who among us wants to suck wind when we’re having sex. I’d rather be sucking something else. Whoa, easy tigress. All I’m saying is that Improved breath will increase stamina.

Controlled panting is what you want, and Pilates is a perfect way to practice that control. Since the system calls for muscle control, so as to perform each exercise accurately and precisely, you become more aware of how your body moves and the function that each muscle has within that movement.

Pilates is a mind-body system, so there’s a mental component. In teaching, I use imagery to achieve correct form. This requires a great deal of focus and concentration from my clients. I use different images when I’m in bed, but I am focused nonetheless. I’m looking for impeccable form without extraneous movement, just like Pilates requires. It’s maximum sexual efficiency.

I’m not saying that by doing Pilates, it can turn you into a contortionist, but I can guarantee an increase in flexibility. The hip joints especially are worked in many of the exercises. Being able to get your legs over your head, or splay them out like a wishbone, can be very erotic. Your partner will undoubtedly be impressed.

Stability plays a vital role in Pilates, where one’s core and balance is continuously being challenged. Don’t you think it would enhance playtime, if you were able to stabilize yourself in certain sexual positions? Doggie style comes to mind, which requires balancing on all fours (some of us in the biz call this quadruped) while your partner thrusts, bumps and grinds, trying to shake your foundation.

Mr. Pilates designed a piece of equipment called the cadillac, which includes an attachment called the trapeze. It allows for super fun movement. I have a feeling that Mr. Pilates knew exactly what he was doing when he brought out the trapeze.

I believe, or I’d like to believe anyway, that he wanted us to practice on the trapeze, so that we might take those moves into our bedrooms and hang from the rafters, if you’re an extreme sport type of person that is. Or so that you might fulfill your childhood dream of joining the circus.

Practicing Pilates has been shown to help with erectile dysfunction. I know nothing about this, given that my lover has the stamina and control of an 18-year-old, or that of Sting. Since my boyfriend also practices Pilates, E.D. isn’t his problem. Locking the front door when he leaves the house is his problem. We all have our crosses to bear.

Now get into the Pilates studio, so that you can mount your partner with confidence, zest, and without the fear of pulling a groin muscle.

Pilates Leads To Great Sex!

 

Photo Credit: pilatesblog.com

Photo Credit: pilatesblog.com

I’d like to explore the many ways that Pilates can improve your sex life. As per usual, I speak from experience.

I would hope that by now, all human inhabitants of Mother Earth know the benefits to living a healthy life, and know that physical fitness leads to more energy, more confidence and less muffin top. The prouder you are of your physique, the more likely you’ll want to show it off, especially between the sheets. Personally, due to Pilates, I feel so confident in bed, I feel that I should be getting paid. Wait. Never mind.

Through a steady Pilates practice, you will want it both morning and night, and you will be outstanding at it. I’ll break it down by using several Pilates principles by way of example.

If the pelvic floor muscles, which are a part of the core, (see article on core) are strong, then you’ll be able to increase tension, master movements and orgasm upon your command. Since I’ve become a Pilates instructor, one of the many beautiful side effects is my ability to contract and release at will. Pilates sure is empowering!

If you’re not sure where or what the pelvic floor muscles are, then as you continue to read this, pretend you’re going to pee your pants and then stop the flow of your pretend pee. Those are them.

Pilates exercises involve coordinating the breath with each movement. Emphasis is made on expansive inhalations and exhalations, which brings oxygenated blood to the muscles faster. When we can do this correctly, it leads to an increased blood flow to the sex organs. And let’s face it, who among us wants to suck wind when we’re having sex. I’d rather be sucking something else. Whoa, easy tigress. All I’m saying is that Improved breath will increase stamina.

Controlled panting is what you want, and Pilates is a perfect way to practice that control. Since the system calls for muscle control, so as to perform each exercise accurately and precisely, you become more aware of how your body moves and the function each muscle has within that movement.

Pilates is a mind body system, so there’s also a mental component. In teaching, I use imagery to achieve correct form. This requires a great deal of focus and concentration from my clients. I use different images when I’m in bed, but I am focused nonetheless. I’m looking for impeccable form without extraneous movement, just like Pilates requires. It’s maximum sexual efficiency.

I’m not saying that by doing Pilates, it can turn you into a contortionist, but I can guarantee an increase in flexibility. The hip joints especially are worked in many of the exercises. Being able to get your legs over your head, or splay them out like a wishbone, can be very erotic. Your partner will undoubtedly be impressed.

Stability plays a vital role in Pilates, where one’s core and balance is continuously being challenged. Don’t you think it would enhance playtime, if you were able to stabilize yourself in certain sexual positions? Doggie style comes to mind, which requires balancing on all fours (some of us in the Pilates biz call this position quadruped) while your partner thrusts, bumps and grinds, trying to shake your foundation.

Mr. Pilates designed a piece of equipment called the Cadillac, which includes an attachment called the Trapeze. It allows for super fun movement. I have a feeling that Mr. Pilates knew exactly what he was doing when he brought out the Trapeze.

I believe, or I’d like to believe anyway, that he wanted us to practice on the Trapeze, so that we might take those moves into our bedrooms and hang from the rafters, if you’re an extreme sport type of person that is. Or so that you might fulfill your childhood dream of joining the circus.

Practicing Pilates has been proven to help with erectile dysfunction. I know nothing about this, given that my lover has the stamina and control of an 18 year old, or that of Sting. Since my boyfriend also practices a bit of  Pilates, E.D. isn’t his problem. Locking the front door is his problem. We all have our crosses to bear.

Now get into the Pilates studio, so that you can mount your partner with confidence, zest, and without the fear of pulling a groin muscle.

Featured On Blogher…

Credit: darcyadelaide.

Credit: darcyadelaide.

One of my posts is being featured on Blogher. Check it out if you haven’t done so already. The whacky comments and opinions are priceless, and entertaining. I especially like it when an 18-year old girl tells me that I should let my 18-year old Girlfriend Mom daughter sleep with her boyfriend in my house. And that I should treat her like an adult. Shit, she’s so totally right. I don’t know what I was thinking. Thank you little girl for showing me the way.

 

Do You Let Your Teenage Daughter Have Sleepovers with Her Boyfriend?

imagesWould you let your teenage daughter, and her boyfriend, share a bed if he slept over your house? Do you let your daughter’s boyfriend sleep over your house?

About a year ago, my boyfriend’s daughter asked us if her boyfriend, whom we like, could spend the night. We were going skiing the following morning and it would be saving him a trip. My boyfriend knew where I stood on the subject.  NO FUCKING WAY!

After a some cajoling and guilt, I caved. We put him in the basement on a futon. We made it perfectly clear that this was not to become a habit. For me, this falls under the broad category of boundaries (mine), respect, and good old fashioned values. We’re not running a brothel here people.

When I was a senior in high school, I asked my pot-smoking, Kerouac reading, and consciousness raising attendee parents if my boyfriend could sleep over. It was after nine o’clock and he only had his permit at the time. They agreed but they weren’t excited about the idea.

He slept in the guest room down the hall. And in the middle of the night, he tiptoed 50 feet down to my bedroom, and we had sex. We thought we’d pulled one over on my parents. 

The next morning, we sat at the kitchen table with my parents and had breakfast. I looked over at my mother’s face, and her clenched jaw. Something was wrong.

My mother turned to me, her eyes like daggers, pierced through to my very soul. She uttered three little words that would affect me for the rest of my life.

“How dare you.”

There was nowhere to hide. There wasn’t any point in acting like I didn’t know what she was talking about or coming up with some  lame excuse.

“What do you mean? He had a hang nail, and was looking for nail clippers and then he accidentally feel on top of me and. 

I was royally embarrassed. I had disappointed her, and I had disrespected she and my dad (who never heard a thing, thank god) I had betrayed their trust in the most sordid and humiliating way. 

Now, with my boyfriend’s kids, I must see to it that I will never be put in the same position as I’d put my mother in. I have my mothers steely look seared into my brain, to ensure that there won’t be any  co-ed sleepovers on my watch.
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MAKING IT like the Girlfriend Mom: Holiday Sex-Having It And Loving It

I lost most of November to Hurricane Sandy-ass, and her aftermath. I can honestly say that after that she-bitch blew through my town, flooded my basement and took away my power, heat and hot water for 17 days, I did not feel very sexy or amorous. Instead, I felt cold, dirty, (not in a good way) and I’m pretty sure that the potent odor that followed me wherever I went, was originating from my pores. Yum. For the first time in a long time, sex was the last thing on my mind… and that irked me. Continue Reading