Tag Archives: toys

I’m Syndicated on Blogher

I’m happy to announce that The Girlfriend Mom has been syndicated on Blogher.com. The geniuses in the Love and Sex department couldn’t resist my funny sex stuff.

When my boyfriend schooled me one sunny afternoon on his masturbatory modus operandi, I realized that I didn’t know as much as I thought I did on the subject. I believed, like I assume a lot of other women do, that when he masturbated to a short online video, that it was because he didn’t want to have sex with me. I thought that he was choosing his hand over mine. And I’ve got great hands, strong yet sensitive. But I digress.

Image: Yuriy Rudyy via Shutterstock

I believed that the two sexual performances were mutually exclusive. Not necessarily. He explained it to me this way. When he gets the urge to masturbate, it’s like an itch in need of scratching. It’s emotionless and mechanical, and has nothing to do with our sex life. I equate it with having a hang nail. You know it’s there. It’s annoying, and you have to clip it. Once you do, there’s an awesome sense of relief, and you can get back to returning emails.

Some men feel that the orgasm they achieve through masturbation is less complex and more locally intense than climaxes achieved through sexual intercourse. Come on ladies, don’t we feel the same way? Isn’t it nice to be in full control of our pleasure? Controlling the pressure and speed of movement applies to both genders.

There are a variety of reasons why men masturbate and why women get all bent out of shape. Sometimes it’s a lack of education, understanding, insecurity, or bad communication skills. Yes, there could be a potential problem in the relationship, but to understand the male sex, women must understand the relationship between penis and brain.

A male child discovers that his penis feels good before he can talk! Manual stimulation is the first form of sexual behavior learned. The hard cold truth is that the vast majority of men masturbate – even if they’re in long-term and happy sexual relationships. It’s that simple.

The more women understand, the more empowered and secure they will become. I suggest that women ask their men why they masturbate. If that’s too daunting, and a woman feels that there’s more to their man’s masturbation than just a hang nail, then women might want to look for signs. Before a woman starts feeling rejected or threatened by their man’s hand, consider the following.

Men masturbate when they’re not getting enough sex from their partner.
 False.
We have sex like 40 times a day (not really, but it’s a substantial amount) and my boyfriend still masturbates.

Men always fantasize about women they know when they masturbate. False.
I’ve seen the anonymous ten second videos that my boyfriend sometimes uses. A visual, yes. Fantasy? Not so much.

Ask yourself the following:

Does masturbating get in the way of the relationship?

Does he/she choose masturbating over having sex with you?

My boyfriend can masturbate at 8am and then have sex with me at 9am. And he’s no spring chicken. In his world, and now mine, one has nothing to do with the other.

Some men have issues with women using sex toys when they masturbate. And just like some women feel that they’re being replaced when their man masturbates, some men feel that they’re being replaced by a toy. Be reasonable boys and girls. If I want to pleasure myself with a foreign object, do not take that to mean that I would rather use a glass dildo than have some fleshy male meat.

My boyfriend wants me to use whatever I can to achieve an orgasm. The man lives for my orgasms. Sometimes I wish he lived for loading the dishwasher, but again I digress. One night when I was away, he asked me if there was something in my room that I could pleasure myself with. I’m not into fruits or vegetables in my nether orifices, thus disappointment ensued on the other end of the phone.

Did you know that some men in their 70s and 80s still masturbate several times a week? Honestly, I didn’t need that visual. In general terms, men masturbate most in their teens and gradually do it less and less as their life progresses – depending partly on whether or not they have a partner at the time.

Couples can achieve considerable satisfaction by watching each other masturbate. Maybe this would make both parties less insecure. It turns me on watching my boyfriend masturbate. I enjoy watching his face contort and the sounds that he makes are priceless.

Again, this is where communication is golden. Couples need to discuss their insecurities and try to understand where the other person is coming from. Knowledge is power people! There are so many acts and behaviors that couples can get hung up on; an innocent masturbation session, with or without toys, should not be one of them. Life is too short. I say, tonight jerk off.

What Are You Buying Your Child For Christmas?

One of the most frustrating and annoying things about being a Girlfriend Mom (and there are many) is the part in the show where my objections for this thing or that thing, falls on deaf ears.

My boyfriend bought his son, against all of my concerned and acute protestations, a mini Cross Bow complete with arrows as well as an automatic pocket knife for Christmas. Ho, Ho, are you friggin kidding me?! When we first laid eyes on these delicious and safe items at the trashiest flea market in the state of New Jersey a few months back, it took my boyfriend several attempts to even activate the automatic spring which opens the switchblade. His son couldn’t do it at all. But definitely buy it for him. Maybe he’ll mangle one of his fingers so he’ll never play the violin again. He doesn’t actually play the violin but isn’t my boyfriend going to feel like a sack of shit if one Spring day his son decides that he wants to learn but now he can’t because he only has three fingers!

Oh, and my boyfriend informs me that the knife is self cocking. You know what else is going to be self cocking? That’s right, you and your eight fingers because in teaching your son how to work the goddamn knife, chances are you’re going to slice off some of your own fingers in the process (I saw how nimble you were at the store) and I’m boycotting your stupid and irresponsible purchases by denying you any and all forms of cocking.

The child is fourteen and we live at the beach. What for fuck sake is he hunting that he needs a Cross Bow, mini or otherwise? When did a Cross Bow become a toy? When I was a kid, it was called Archery and I learned how to work a bow and arrow in summer camp. Come to think of it, we also took Riflery. I was nine. Okay, maybe that wasn’t such a good idea. The point it, I was supervised. What the hell happened to Nerf? I can just see my boyfriend’s son and his little friends taking target practice at each other (because they saw it on Tosh.O or Jack Ass ) or at poor innocent Bambi.

I am apoplectic over this. It doesn’t matter what I say because my opinions mean diddly squat. When I asked my boyfriend what possessed him to buy these weapons, that he had refused to get the last two times we were all at the skank mart, (I have got to stay home from now on) he said that he got them because his son really wanted them. I had a fit. Kids want guns and fast cars, does that mean that you buy them a suped up turbo charged Maserati and put a Glock in the glove compartment next to their AAA membership card? I told him that he’s not his son’s friend, and that I didn’t think this was good parenting. I was working on instinct folks because as you know, I don’t have children of my own, and I don’t know how this shit works. I thought he was being irresponsible. He didn’t flinch. I felt proactively ignored by him and swept into a corner. Wait for it. All together now, “And no one puts Dani in a corner.”

I have no idea what other couples do when one parent wants to buy something for their child that the other parent (or Girlfriend Mom) thinks could kill them, an innocent bystander or a raccoon. But unlike other parents, who supposedly have equal say in what they put in the hands of their children, I do not have that luxury. I am not one half of the dynamic parent duo. I am not the biological mother. I am not a Stepmom. I have a voice but my boyfriend can decide whether he wants to listen to that voice, because he will ultimately have the final say. And those them there are the facts.

I do not like being ignored, nor do I like to feel less than. But this is when I must let go, because it is beyond my control, and ultimately it is not my responsibility. My boyfriend will take responsibility for his actions, and it’ll be between he and his ex-wife. I wonder how she’ll feel about her son acting out The Hunger Games in her back yard.